And once again i write another random journal entry. What is it with these things and feeling so good after writing them? It feels so relaxing. Now, I'm thinking about why the hell I'm typing with all the proper punctuations; the capital letters and all that. Ahh well.. i'm probably going to give up soon. Looks like i just did.

so once again i'm just writing. about shit all. just crapcrapcrapping on. and thinking about this guy. and wondering why he's constantly on my mind. well not 'why' but how he just keeps coming across my every thought. and how everything i think of keeps relating back to him. and then i'm thinking about the ups and downs of everything. am i glad that i took the risk?

i'm one of those people who are extremely scared to get hurt, due to a lack of support in the past. one of those people who trust others too easily, then come to find that it all crashes back onto me. because i just tried too hard. and that's not my fault. it's not my fault i wanted to keep a relationship that was good. it's not my fault i hungered for support. i needed it.

but now i'm having trust issues. i'm sick of trusting people so easily coz look what happens in the end. cept there's one/a few people that this doesn't apply to. there's this one person who i feel the complete opposite about. i can't not trust them. i feel empty if i don't trust him. it's a weird feeling.

now i'm thinking about death. and what or who i would die for. or maybe the bigger question is who would i live for? if i was struggling to hold onto my life who or what would come into my mind to give me the strength to hold on. and maybe that depends on who will still be here for me if that situation ever comes to hand. well of course it will. but i mean sometime soon, any time soon. if i were to be sick, who would come visit me. visit me with no reason at all. who would stay with me for as long as they can. who would cancel everything at the last minute to be with me, at the thought that it might be the last time they will ever see me. this is all based on personal experience. i once did it all. i stayed there for so many days and nights, scared to leave them, scared that by the time i come back there'll be an empty bed, ready made for a new incomer. so i stayed. i stayed for her. until i was forced to go home. but she waited for me. i came back and spent a few minutes with her before she was gone. just like that. gone. slipped away.

whatever.
it's just another example of being left alone.